This next couple of weeks are just going to be chock full of changes for all of us. Eloise started her OT/speech therapy class on Monday. I kind of feel like a bad mom by not taking a picture of her on her official first day but honestly, it didn't feel like a celebration. I also didn't buy her a backpack. I tried to buy one the other day but it made me so choked up thinking about it I couldn't do it. She's only 2. Why am I buying her a backpack? A cute little owl backpack is not going to make it any less traumatic for any of us.
I took Eloise into the classroom and she was fine taking off her coat and watching the other kids and started to get interested in the toys until she realized that the other moms were dropping their kids off and leaving! Then she looked at me and stomped her feet and started to scream. I picked her up, handed her off and took off down the hall. I could hear her screaming all the way down the hall. I was trying not to cry. Sounds mean but the longer I would have stayed the worse it would have been so I took off.
Thankfully my Aunt Rita was staying with the other two so we had a nice morning hanging out, going to Trader Joe's, having tea and then we all went back to pick up Eloise. I opened the door and there was Eloise crying, puffy faced with a lovie in her mouth and being held by her the occupational therapist. They said she cried for a long time and then the speech therapist that she is familiar with and comes to our home, Emily, came to visit her and she was fine until Emily left and the crying started again. Poor thing. Honestly once she saw us and knew we were leaving she was fine. We even talked about going back and that I was not going to be there but she would have new friends and I would come back and pick her up and she was fine with that. She even said, "Mama, no, mama, no" and shook her finger at me which in Eloise talk means that I'm not going to be there.
I dropped her off today and she screamed again but this time when I came back to get her she was sitting in a two seater fire truck with Elmo next to her in one seat and getting pushed by a speech therapist and the occupational therapist. She looked puffy faced like she had been crying but wasn't at the time. Phew. They said she did better today which is what they were hoping for. They thought that it would take about a month for her to be comfortable and even look forward to coming to class.
The other two are just green with envy about Eloise going to "school." They have come with me both times to pick her up and they want to go to school there too. The first day Beckett walked into the classroom, picked up a fire hat and put it on his head and sat down and started to play. So far it hasn't been a problem getting them to leave but I'm sure that day is just around the corner. Beckett will eventually go there as well for a speech therapy class but he needs to get better as two and three word phrases first which is why now his speech therapy has been bumped up to once a week at home.
So we are up to three days a week with therapy and twice a day "brushing" therapy with joint compressions with Eloise so trying to find a nanny who can keep up with all of this not to mention just the whole "two year old triplet" aspect is a lot to ask for. Hmm, why do I need a nanny? Because I'm going back to work. Soon. Like next week.
I have very mixed emotions about it. Part of me feels like a failure for making the choice to go back to work. This is a choice on my part and not necessarily a smart financial choice for us right now. Let's just say that after taxes, a nanny and accounting for time to and from work, we may JUST break even. But I need this. It may be selfish but I need this.
I had bought some toys from another triplet mom whose kids were older and we were talking about the whole work dilemma. She said something along the lines of- "some moms can stay home and raise triplets and do it beautifully and gracefully and some can't." I can't. I want to be more graceful. I need to be more graceful.
Ever have an encounter with someone and they make you want to be a better person? It can be someone is familiar or constant in your life or it can be someone with whom you share a brief encounter? I have that every day with my kids. They inspire me to be a better mom. But sometimes I forget. Well, I forget it a lot. I take it for granted. 12-14 hours a day with 3 toddlers will do that. But, I had those encounters all the time as a nurse. I would meet people who made me want to be better. Be a better person. Be a better nurse. Be a better daughter, sister, role model, employee, whatever. I'm hoping that going back to being a nurse will remind me what I've been forgetting.
So, last week I accepted a job without a child care plan in place and told them I would start in 13 days. Probably not the smartest move but it shows you how desperate I am to make a change. Then the same day everything just kind of fell in place. As of today, one week after accepting the job I have the most wonderful woman lined up to take care of the kids. They love her, talk about her all the time and try to call her on their fake wood phone which Addy said was "broke" because she didn't answer.
I love being a mom but I also love being a nurse and I'm trying to find that balance. I'm trying to be more graceful.